My Awakening

You know that feeling when you're asleep and just waking up? You know, the one where you were so sound asleep you forget where you are? You open your eyes slowly, disoriented as to where you are or what you are supposed to be doing next. You raise yourself to a sitting position, scrub your face, and try to reorient yourself with your environment and what you need to do. That's how I felt when I arrived at Emory St. Joseph...like I had not reoriented myself to my reality.

I was lying in the hospital bed, confused by all the continuous blood draws. If I was in desperate need of blood, then why did they keep taking it from me? I was given a consent form to sign to receive a blood transfusion. I remember being scared to receive blood from a stranger...little did I know this would become normal in the months to come. After the consent form was signed and the transfusion was given, I was told that I might be having a bone marrow biopsy the next morning. At this point, I had been running a fever, barely felt like eating anything, and just wanted to sleep...I was so exhausted.

All the test results from Kaiser started to pour in...no COVID, no HIV, no Parvo, no Hepatitis, and my liver function looked good. I saw what the big concern was with the blood levels. My hemoglobin was 6.1, my white cells were at 1.4, my red blood cells were at 2.16, and my platelets were at 109,000. By the time I got the blood transfusion, my hemoglobin had dropped to 5. Then, I saw a Kaiser physician, a hematologist, an oncologist, and an infectious disease doctor. Between all those, my nurse, and my technician, I felt like I had my own entourage.

Later on that Tuesday, I was taken for a CT scan, and they did my first biopsy. I was really scared about the biopsy, as I remember hearing stories when I was younger about how painful it could be. The technicians walked me through everything they were going to do. Then, the anesthesiologist came in. Y'all by this point, I had not showered properly in two days, and my hair was a hot mess. This guy was so freaking hot! And I was introduced to the man who would be doing the biopsy, who was also freaking hot. The second hottie was going to be very near to my not-so-clean bum, taking a sample from my illium. I was feeling quite embarrassed until my "bartender" administered the drugs. Since I was conked out, I do not know whether my smelly ass bothered the biopsy hottie or not.

I started to glimpse things about my life that would be different, at least while I was in the hospital. Decisions were not my own to make, not really. Sure, I could eat whatever I wanted, could have visitors, and could even work on grad school assignments. I could call anyone I wanted, fall asleep when I wanted, and watch whatever I wanted on TV. However, I couldn't leave, couldn't shower yet, and couldn't stop the continuous interruptions to my room. I didn't have control over my life, and it was damn scary. I couldn't rush anything along or put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my door when I wanted to sleep uninterrupted. As I would soon learn, I could not stop life from happening around me. Whether I would participate or not in future plans, I had no control.

Cancer treatment is like running a marathon, only there are hurdles along the path and mandatory rest periods. I didn't know this when I started the race. It goes something like this...run, tests and wait, hurdle, run, tests and wait, hurdle, etc. I will say the "running" is full of its own challenges, namely due to chemotherapy. So there I was in the hospital, running right along and then waiting. The waiting is the hardest part, I think. You wait for the pending test results to tell the doctors what your next potential hurdle may be. And there is nothing else you can do but wait.

I was used to the visits from all the different doctors. What I wasn't prepared for was my awakening. The hematologist had told my mom and me that he didn't believe leukemia was something I needed to worry about due to the way some of my bloodwork looked so far. Imagine the surprise and shock when he told us on Thursday that I had leukemia. He told us I would need to be transferred to Emory University Hospital. I would be transferred to "The Tower" by ambulance. First, I get super carsick. I insisted I either be given some anti-nausea medication or be allowed to travel in the front of the ambulance. Then, I asked the hematologist what "The Tower" was, as I didn't feel like some kind of princess at this point.

What followed was another waiting period...waiting for the transport to move me to "The Tower." During the waiting, there were also tears and phone calls. My mom cried immediately upon learning of my diagnosis. I went into shock. I distinctly remember calling family and close friends to tell them I finally had an answer. I remember the shock that came from each phone call I made. But still, I seemed to be "sleeping," waiting to be able to return to my loop of life. Surely, I would get treatment at "The Tower" and be sent home soon. Breakthroughs were being made all the time with cancer treatments. I was sure I would be back to my life in no time.

Arriving at "The Tower," I had no idea I would be here for another 20 days. I was nervous, scared, worried, and still "asleep." I knew I should feel more...more scared, more worried, more nervous, maybe even angry. Instead, I did what I do best. I used my sarcasm to make those around me laugh and break up some of the seriousness. I mean, why so serious, everyone? It's not like I have the Big C. Oh, wait. I do. I asked my family if they thought we got to go to "the yard" for good behavior or if there was a playground where all the leukemia patients could play together. I named my IV pole Luke, short for leukemia, and I promptly placed a picture of Luke Bryan on it. After all, this thing was essentially going to be my boyfriend for a while, so I might as well name him. I had no idea just how stuck with Luke I was about to be, nor did I really know what my marathon course even looked like at this point.

I was starting to wake up from the comatose life I had been living, although this seemed more like a nightmare I was waking into. I was starting to see that my life was changing, whether I wanted it to or not. "The Tower" adventures will continue next time. Until then, I will be dancing with Luke!